Wednesday, May 20, 2015

It was harder than I thought...

Yesterday Rachel over at Floral and Fudge did a really great post on breastfeeding. If your a new mom or soon to be mom I really recommend it.
Her post got me to thinking about something that has weighed on my mind since I became a mom myself.
My experience with didn't work out & it was harder than I thought.
In November of 2011 when I became a mom to Dominick I didn't nurse. I was younger then and felt so/so about doing it. I just knew in my heart that if I wasn't 100% committed it wouldn't work. Well during my 49 1/2hr labor that went far from how I planned and a NICU stay, it was honestly the last thing I was worried about. I just wanted my baby healthy & home with me. But that's another post for another day :)
Fast forward to November of 2013, Yes my babies share birthday fact they share a birthday month with their mom & my dad too!
Aidan - 11/05
Dominick - 11/29
me- 11/23
my dad 11/22
November is a busy month around here!! :)
This time I decided when I found out I was pregnant with Aidan that no matter WHAT happened, I would nurse. I was committing to it & I wanted that bonding experience with my baby.
At first it was easy! He nursed right after being born. He had a great latch & it didn't hurt. I was so happy it was working for us. He nursed several times through the night our first night in the hospital & all of the nurses were so impressed, in fact my milk came in the day we left the hospital!
We came home and things went well, he was nursing a lot at night but I was expecting the cluster feeding. I could hear the sucking & swallowing so I knew he was eating. I was so proud of my body and that I truly felt it was doing what women's bodies were created to do. And then.... it wasn't.
Aidan was having plenty of wet diapers but it seemed like he wanted to eat constantly. He wasn't happy unless he was eating. I would lay him down and he would cry. He wasn't sleeping and neither was I. We were going to weight checks two-three times a week and he was constantly loosing ounces. I cried in the pediatrician's office on more than one occasion. I felt like I was failing him.
The NP suggested we try supplementing with formula, I would give him 2oz of formula and he would drink it as fast as he could & then cry out for more. I felt as though I was literally STARVING my baby.
After close to 4 weeks I stopped. I was driving home from the pediatricians office one afternoon and I cried the whole way home. I took the baby to Walgreen's and got a can of formula and we went home. We got home & I handed the formula and Aidan to my sweet husband and simply said "I can't starve him anymore".
My husband was so beyond supportive. He didn't want me stressed out and he obviously wanted the best for both of us. He assured me that I didn't fail like I felt like I did. The nurse practitioner suggested I tried pumping to see if I was making enough, I knew I was but refused to try it. I was full of emotion & tired, I just felt like a failure.
A few weeks later we found out that Aidan had silent reflux after weeks of not being able to keep anything down and projectile vomiting ALL the time, even in Target once. We had to put him on medicine which he stayed on until he was about 10 months old.
The doctor told me that's probably why he wasn't gaining weight but I still felt guilty.
To date, that is still my biggest parenting regret. I feel like I gave up too easy & I should have fought harder. IF its in god's plan for us to have baby number 3 then I will try again & this time I will try harder.
Until next time friends,
XO Jessica 

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